Monday, September 17, 2012

Self Esteem Crisis and Dissapointed Bunnies

     Yesterday, I got socially dropped on my ass.  In the last twenty four hours I have experienced the urge to strangle half a dozen undergrads, I have considered that I am just pathetic and will never try to connect to anyone new again, and I have considered that the rest of the world is pathetic and I will never want to connect to anyone new again.  Luckily with time and a little perspective I have decided that I need to fucking let it go and not make any life choices based on being stood up by seven people in one day.  

     I have spent the last two weeks slowly trying to set up a get together in order to teach some people to play the card game "Killer Bunnies".  I wanted about four or five people to learn how to play and perhaps like it enough to make up a regular every other weekend sort of thing.  Being well versed in the dependability of college students, I went ahead and invited twice the number that I wanted to show up so half of them could flake and I would still have enough players to make up a good game.
     On Friday I started to worry because about eight people had confirmed that they were actually coming.  This was a problem.  I live in an apartment in Japan.  Having eight people in an apartment in Japan is about the equivalent of trying to seat fifteen people in your living room in the US.  It's not impossible but it takes careful planning and execution.  I had to speak with my neighbors about noise.  I had to arrange seating.  I had to MacGyver a table big enough for eight people to play cards on during which time I tried to remove part of my finger with a box cutter.  I also laid in a supply of snacks and ice.  So a bit of effort went into this on my part.

     Now I am prepared for many things to happen between Friday and Sunday afternoon so I made sure everyone had my cell number and instructions to call before hand if they could not make it.  Two of them contacted me the night before.  One of them had been sick most of the week and still wasn't feeling well, and the other had no money for train fare, these two are not on my kill list.  My friend Tony showed up to meet me at the set time in front of Kichijouji station he is on my "I owe you one" list.  The four who texted me late while I was waiting in the heat and humidity outside of Kichijouji station are on my "It's on its way and I swear to God you won't see it coming" list.

     For me the worst part of this is because of a quirk of my own mind.  When it comes to social situations I have really low self esteem.  I fake my way through pretty well but shit like this really digs in deep and twists the knife for me.  Right now I am in a really vulnerable position anyway.  Most of my friends have moved since I left, and all of a sudden I am in high school again looking for a table to sit at during lunch. 

     So after this debacle, will I try again?  Of course I will.  They are out geek unmet friends.  They are just as afraid to put themselves out there as I am.  They just need me to find them... and I will. 


Thursday, September 13, 2012

It Lives!

I am attempting a resuscitation on this pitiful blog that I let fall into a coma about two years ago. Why, I hear you asking yourself, did I let it slip away in the first place?


That's it. My simple, straightforward and unadorned confession of weakness.

 When I write, I like to use humor, I like to feel witty and amuse people. When I am stressed out or unhappy I don't write... In fact, except for some rare exceptions, when I am depressed, I communicate as little as possible (except to my hubby...and I apologize profusely for making him listen to me... and he chastises me for apologizing... we came up with this system ourselves and we are very proud of it).

 I am about to change that.

When I am unhappy, stressed out, pissed off, scared, or even just feeling maudlin I am going to let it out here. When I am happy, excited, hyper and just jacked on life in general that's going to be here too.

 I am bipolar with a severe anxiety disorder. I have friends who are also bipolar, suffer from chronic depression, have personality disorders and some of you are pretty damn near psychotic. In all honesty, when I spend any extended amount of time talking to someone who seems entirely normal, I start to worry. How fucked up do you have to be in order to hide it that well.

 So I want all my beautifully damaged peoples to hang here with me. Be prepared for all of it, ranting, laughing, crying, raging, horrifying punctuation problems, misspellings and any random weirdness that just happens to be taking a stroll through my head. I will at least try to keep it interesting.

 Oh... also a quick note about comments. You can say any damn thing you feel like saying. If I am going to lay it all out here...I will expect no less from y'all.